(WRITTEN BY ALICE AND JENBAR OF THE DUM DUMS MESSAGE BORED)
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
02. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt
03. At stoplights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
04. Two words: Chicken suit.
05. Write the words "Help me" on your back window
in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
06. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone (on further consideration I’ve
realised you aren’t gonna be 0driving alone. In
fact you guys probably aren’t going to be driving
07. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
08. Stop at the green lights.
09. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie
out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
(hand puppets are good for this)
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on (okay, so u are a
band but there you go! It’s still fun).
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an
angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who is boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your bus at every stoplight.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw
their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof
onto other cars.
23. Paint your bus with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the bus.
25. Have some passengers in the back that are having wild,
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire engines
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Stop at catseyes, get out, stroke them and say ‘he
was only doing his job. Poor little fella’. Repeat
with all sets.
30. Throw Spam.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down
... to a stop.
32. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
33. Kidnap a traffic cone. Phone the traffic cone hotline
and demand a hefty ransom
34. Pretend to file a lawsuit against a bandmate or crewmember.
Draft up convincing looking legal documents using crayons.
35. Paint "Tescos Free Bus" on the front and
take wagers on how many OAPs will attempt to stop you.
36. Wave cheerily at truck-drivers and award yourselves
5 points and a pat on the back for every rude gesticulation.
Award yourself an extra 20 points every time you provoke
37. Reverse through a drive-thru so people on the passenger
side can order.
38. Create an imaginary cat for a pet (to go with the
5 you already have. See No. 24). Talk to it every night,
stroke it often, and show it due care and attention and
keep a little box by the door. After 5 days announce that
your cat is missing. Put up LOST posters in the van. Blame
39. Buy several plastic figures. Play with them all the
time. If your bandmates or crewmembers comment, tell them
that they're "more than meets the eye".
40. Pin a declaration of war to the wall. Include a list
41. Write rude words in the condensation on the windows
and giggle profusely for at least 10 minutes.
42. Buy several bags of M&Ms. Colour-code them and
then put them into glasses in an intricate rainbow-spectrum.
Tell everyone it's your "art" and cry unabashedly
every time somebody eats one.
43. Fill the bus with leaves. Jump about in them. Comment
frequently about the beautiful foliage.
44. Glue everything to the ceiling. Feign innocence and
claim that it must be a "supernatural phenomenon".
45. Make databases and pi charts showing the ratio of
how much you drink and how often you pee. Stick them all
over the bus. Proclaim that it's a "scientific breakthrough"
and act genuinely excited for approximately half a day.
46. Buy a happy meal every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Offer the rest to your bandmates.
47. Make a sandwich. Do not eat it, just leave it on the
floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until somebody gets rid
of it and then say "where the hell is my sandwich!?!"
Complain loudly that you are hungry.
48. Buy a packet of those little green plastic soldiers
from the fantastic retail outlet that is Woolworth’s.
Select your fifteen favourites and name them. Attach them
to the rear bumper of the bus with cotton. After a long
journey, return to the back of the bus to see which soldiers
survived. Say a prayer for those killed.
49. Read textbooks. Become a subgenius.
50. Spend all of your money on Ribena. Drink it all. Stack
the empty cartons in the bus. Give each one a code-name
51. Buy a can of beans. Label them "Jumping Beans".
Eat the beans and jump around the bus. Buy a can of beans.
Label them "Dancing Beans". Eat the beans and
dance around the bus. Buy a can of beans. Label them "I'm-going-to-kill-my-bandmates-and-crew
Beans". Eat them and smile knowingly at your bandmates
52. Collect hundreds of biros and pile them on one side
of the bus (ask your driver nicely not to take corners
too sharply!). Place one pencil on the opposite side of
the bus. Encourage your travelling-companions to laugh
at the pencil.
53. Start a fervent slam-pit in the middle of the bus.
Just for the hell of it.
54. Get a copy of a phone book. Sit down and read it out
excitedly. ("Martin Smith?! 673-8561? WOW!!!!)
55. Wear a paper hat. Every time somebody enters the bus,
say "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...oh,
it's just you." Take off the hat, sit down and sulk
for about half an hour.
56. Write a screenplay for an episode of a revolutionary
new soap opera. Include at least one coma patient, one
case of incest and three fervent love affairs.
57. Buy a telescope. Sit down and look across the bus
at your bandmates and crewmembers through the telescope.
When you're not using the telescope, act like they are
too far away for you to see.
58. Hang a small basketball hoop on the bus. Challenge
your imaginary friend Derek to shoot-offs and play them
in front of your travelling entourage. Do so for about
a week. Confide in your bandmates and crewmembers that
you think Derek has been taking steroids.
59. Talk like a pirate, all of the time. Threaten to make
everybody walk the plank if they don't swab the deck.
60. Start conversations with the line "Do you remember,
back in the good ole days when we..." and then go
on to invent elaborate stories that never actually happened.
61. Talk back to your Rice Crispies. All of a sudden,
act offended, throw the bowl across the bus and kick it.
Refuse to clean it up, explaining that you want to "watch
62. Start to dress like an Indian and explain that you
are going back to your "Native American Roots".
If your bandmates and crewmembers tell you that you don't
have any Native American Roots then tell them that they
have disrespected your culture and your heritage. Pretend
to put a curse on them.
63. Buy a toy kaleidoscope. Look into it for about two
hours a day whilst making enthusiastic "ooooooh"
and "aaaaaah" noises.
64. Play hangman with unsuspecting crewmembers but invent
new bands such as "roodyloo" and "spoinklemeisters".
When your playing-partner claims that the band doesn't
actually exist pretend to be utterly disgusted, storm
off and refuse to talk to them for about 2 days.
65. Create new words. Use them in bounty, especially in
any interviews you may do. If somebody else uses one of
your words, immediately take on a stern demeanour and
pretend to phone your lawyer.
66. Scatter stuffed animals around the bus. Put party
hats on them. Play loud music. When somebody walks in,
turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away
the stuffed animals and say "well it was nice while
67. Phone up the Kinder consumer-hotline and tell them
there was no toy in your egg. Tell them that you think
you are suffering from PTSD. Demand freebies (you can
then enter the toys in the Kinder egg league [see attached
68. Set up a bowling alley on the bus. Use rolls of kitchen
towel for the skittles. Tell bandmates and crewmembers
that they can't play unless they wear the correct shoes.
69. Challenge a crewmember to a duel. If they refuse,
claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore are entitled
to all of their belongings and worldly possessions. Insist
that they give them to you immediately.
70. Put up traffic signs around the bus. If anybody refuses
to obey them issue them with a ticket. If they refuse
to pay the ticket inform them that Grandmaster Righteous
will confiscate their basic human rights.
71. Buy a small battery-operated keyboard. Learn how to
play the theme tune from Mysterious Cities of Gold. Claim
that you wrote it and it should be on the next album.
If nobody listens to you proclaim that your talent and
ability is not valued enough and that you are seriously
contemplating quitting the band.
72. Get a copy of the Argos catalogue. Give yourself a
budget of £500 and go through making a list of everything
you want. Make sure you fixate on the toy section.
73. Buy a Mr Frosty and charge crewmembers 50p per cup
of coloured-ice stuff. Put all profit towards expanding
74. Have a heated discussion with somebody about the correct
pronunciation of words. The 'noo-gar' vs. 'nugget' case
is always a good one to start with (or ‘scon’
Vs ‘scone’) and it usually results in nice
big displays of aggression and fervent outbreaks of violence,
so yay for that!
75. Write a book entitled "The beginners guide to
mosh-pits and avoiding the inevitable wrath of the subversive
pop culture". Take the entire process very seriously.
76. Work on your cover-version of 'Hazy Shade of Winter'...just
for Jenbar. Mwah. (Or alternatively, your cover-version
of the theme-tune from Streethawk. Yeaaaah).
77. Learn Pig Latin or Esperanto.
78. Write each others obituaries (not as morbid as it
79. Write ‘Why we love Josh’ ‘Why we
love Stu’ and ‘Why we love Steve’ lists.
These can be as surreal or as serious as you like and
are a great momentum and fun to look at when you’re
80. Learn to play ‘Guess Who’ from memory.
81. Learn to play each other’s instruments.
82. See how long you can smile for.
83. Throw yourself against the window in interesting shapes
and wait for reactions of passers by. Call it the modern
expression of dance (I’ve got an A-level in this,
84. Set each other sentences that they must say that day/that
day’s gig. The more random the better. For example
‘I’ll swap you a flock of my finest sheep’
and ‘You’ve notice the major paw in my cunning
85. Answer your fan mail (start with us!)
86. Pretend to be each other. See what crewmembers say.
87. Write each other’s postcards/letters home.
88. See how much free stuff you can blag in one day. Give
it out at your gigs.
89. Write a musical. The worse the better (if u get what
90. Go somewhere in full disguise.
91. Sit in your pants (sorry, Stu, know you hate that
word!) by the window with your legs up so to passers by
you look nakie.
92. Choose each other’s outfits for that night’s
gig. You are contracted by law to wear what is chosen
93. Get a camcorder and make a tour diary. Set up fights
and arguments between 2 band members, leaving the 3rd
doing commentary and getting seriously worried about the
future of the band. When the tour is over, sell it to
MTV or Channel 4.
94. Challenge each other daily to thumb wars. Set up a
scoreboard on the wall and, at the end of the tour, declare
95. Two more words ‘Travel Darts’ (see No.
96. Six words ‘Travel Darts in a chicken suit’
97. Write love letters and send them to people picked
at random from the phonebook or yellow pages.
98. Write alternative lyrics to all your songs.
99. Write me a list of ‘100 Fun Things to Do Whilst
Stuck at Home Unemployed Waiting to Make it Big as an
100. Re-read this list and marvel at the dullness of our
lives that we have even bothered to do this! Be scared.