01. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
02. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
03. At stoplights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
04. Two words: Chicken suit.
05. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
06. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone (on further consideration I’ve realised you aren’t gonna be 0driving alone. In fact you guys probably aren’t going to be driving at all!).
07. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
08. Stop at the green lights.
09. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. (hand puppets are good for this)
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on (okay, so u are a band but there you go! It’s still fun).
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who is boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your bus at every stoplight.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your bus with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the bus.
25. Have some passengers in the back that are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire engines
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Stop at catseyes, get out, stroke them and say ‘he was only doing his job. Poor little fella’. Repeat with all sets.
30. Throw Spam.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
32. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
33. Kidnap a traffic cone. Phone the traffic cone hotline and demand a hefty ransom
34. Pretend to file a lawsuit against a bandmate or crewmember. Draft up convincing looking legal documents using crayons.
35. Paint "Tescos Free Bus" on the front and take wagers on how many OAPs will attempt to stop you.
36. Wave cheerily at truck-drivers and award yourselves 5 points and a pat on the back for every rude gesticulation. Award yourself an extra 20 points every time you provoke potential road-rage.
37. Reverse through a drive-thru so people on the passenger side can order.
38. Create an imaginary cat for a pet (to go with the 5 you already have. See No. 24). Talk to it every night, stroke it often, and show it due care and attention and keep a little box by the door. After 5 days announce that your cat is missing. Put up LOST posters in the van. Blame your bandmates.
39. Buy several plastic figures. Play with them all the time. If your bandmates or crewmembers comment, tell them that they're "more than meets the eye".
40. Pin a declaration of war to the wall. Include a list of grievances.
41. Write rude words in the condensation on the windows and giggle profusely for at least 10 minutes.
42. Buy several bags of M&Ms. Colour-code them and then put them into glasses in an intricate rainbow-spectrum. Tell everyone it's your "art" and cry unabashedly every time somebody eats one.
43. Fill the bus with leaves. Jump about in them. Comment frequently about the beautiful foliage.
44. Glue everything to the ceiling. Feign innocence and claim that it must be a "supernatural phenomenon".
45. Make databases and pi charts showing the ratio of how much you drink and how often you pee. Stick them all over the bus. Proclaim that it's a "scientific breakthrough" and act genuinely excited for approximately half a day.
46. Buy a happy meal every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Offer the rest to your bandmates.
47. Make a sandwich. Do not eat it, just leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until somebody gets rid of it and then say "where the hell is my sandwich!?!" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
48. Buy a packet of those little green plastic soldiers from the fantastic retail outlet that is Woolworth’s. Select your fifteen favourites and name them. Attach them to the rear bumper of the bus with cotton. After a long journey, return to the back of the bus to see which soldiers survived. Say a prayer for those killed.
49. Read textbooks. Become a subgenius.
50. Spend all of your money on Ribena. Drink it all. Stack the empty cartons in the bus. Give each one a code-name and mission.
51. Buy a can of beans. Label them "Jumping Beans". Eat the beans and jump around the bus. Buy a can of beans. Label them "Dancing Beans". Eat the beans and dance around the bus. Buy a can of beans. Label them "I'm-going-to-kill-my-bandmates-and-crew Beans". Eat them and smile knowingly at your bandmates and crew.
52. Collect hundreds of biros and pile them on one side of the bus (ask your driver nicely not to take corners too sharply!). Place one pencil on the opposite side of the bus. Encourage your travelling-companions to laugh at the pencil.
53. Start a fervent slam-pit in the middle of the bus. Just for the hell of it.
54. Get a copy of a phone book. Sit down and read it out excitedly. ("Martin Smith?! 673-8561? WOW!!!!)
55. Wear a paper hat. Every time somebody enters the bus, say "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit down and sulk for about half an hour.
56. Write a screenplay for an episode of a revolutionary new soap opera. Include at least one coma patient, one case of incest and three fervent love affairs.
57. Buy a telescope. Sit down and look across the bus at your bandmates and crewmembers through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like they are too far away for you to see.
58. Hang a small basketball hoop on the bus. Challenge your imaginary friend Derek to shoot-offs and play them in front of your travelling entourage. Do so for about a week. Confide in your bandmates and crewmembers that you think Derek has been taking steroids.
59. Talk like a pirate, all of the time. Threaten to make everybody walk the plank if they don't swab the deck. Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhh!
60. Start conversations with the line "Do you remember, back in the good ole days when we..." and then go on to invent elaborate stories that never actually happened.
61. Talk back to your Rice Crispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl across the bus and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining that you want to "watch them suffer".
62. Start to dress like an Indian and explain that you are going back to your "Native American Roots". If your bandmates and crewmembers tell you that you don't have any Native American Roots then tell them that they have disrespected your culture and your heritage. Pretend to put a curse on them.
63. Buy a toy kaleidoscope. Look into it for about two hours a day whilst making enthusiastic "ooooooh" and "aaaaaah" noises.
64. Play hangman with unsuspecting crewmembers but invent new bands such as "roodyloo" and "spoinklemeisters". When your playing-partner claims that the band doesn't actually exist pretend to be utterly disgusted, storm off and refuse to talk to them for about 2 days.
65. Create new words. Use them in bounty, especially in any interviews you may do. If somebody else uses one of your words, immediately take on a stern demeanour and pretend to phone your lawyer.
66. Scatter stuffed animals around the bus. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When somebody walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals and say "well it was nice while it lasted."
67. Phone up the Kinder consumer-hotline and tell them there was no toy in your egg. Tell them that you think you are suffering from PTSD. Demand freebies (you can then enter the toys in the Kinder egg league [see attached letter].
68. Set up a bowling alley on the bus. Use rolls of kitchen towel for the skittles. Tell bandmates and crewmembers that they can't play unless they wear the correct shoes.
69. Challenge a crewmember to a duel. If they refuse, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore are entitled to all of their belongings and worldly possessions. Insist that they give them to you immediately.
70. Put up traffic signs around the bus. If anybody refuses to obey them issue them with a ticket. If they refuse to pay the ticket inform them that Grandmaster Righteous will confiscate their basic human rights.
71. Buy a small battery-operated keyboard. Learn how to play the theme tune from Mysterious Cities of Gold. Claim that you wrote it and it should be on the next album. If nobody listens to you proclaim that your talent and ability is not valued enough and that you are seriously contemplating quitting the band.
72. Get a copy of the Argos catalogue. Give yourself a budget of £500 and go through making a list of everything you want. Make sure you fixate on the toy section.
73. Buy a Mr Frosty and charge crewmembers 50p per cup of coloured-ice stuff. Put all profit towards expanding your enterprise.
74. Have a heated discussion with somebody about the correct pronunciation of words. The 'noo-gar' vs. 'nugget' case is always a good one to start with (or ‘scon’ Vs ‘scone’) and it usually results in nice big displays of aggression and fervent outbreaks of violence, so yay for that!
75. Write a book entitled "The beginners guide to mosh-pits and avoiding the inevitable wrath of the subversive pop culture". Take the entire process very seriously.
76. Work on your cover-version of 'Hazy Shade of Winter'...just for Jenbar. Mwah. (Or alternatively, your cover-version of the theme-tune from Streethawk. Yeaaaah).
77. Learn Pig Latin or Esperanto.
78. Write each others obituaries (not as morbid as it may seem)
79. Write ‘Why we love Josh’ ‘Why we love Stu’ and ‘Why we love Steve’ lists. These can be as surreal or as serious as you like and are a great momentum and fun to look at when you’re feeling down.
80. Learn to play ‘Guess Who’ from memory.
81. Learn to play each other’s instruments.
82. See how long you can smile for.
83. Throw yourself against the window in interesting shapes and wait for reactions of passers by. Call it the modern expression of dance (I’ve got an A-level in this, you know!)
84. Set each other sentences that they must say that day/that day’s gig. The more random the better. For example ‘I’ll swap you a flock of my finest sheep’ and ‘You’ve notice the major paw in my cunning flan’.
85. Answer your fan mail (start with us!)
86. Pretend to be each other. See what crewmembers say.
87. Write each other’s postcards/letters home.
88. See how much free stuff you can blag in one day. Give it out at your gigs.
89. Write a musical. The worse the better (if u get what I mean!)
90. Go somewhere in full disguise.
91. Sit in your pants (sorry, Stu, know you hate that word!) by the window with your legs up so to passers by you look nakie.
92. Choose each other’s outfits for that night’s gig. You are contracted by law to wear what is chosen for you!
93. Get a camcorder and make a tour diary. Set up fights and arguments between 2 band members, leaving the 3rd doing commentary and getting seriously worried about the future of the band. When the tour is over, sell it to MTV or Channel 4.
94. Challenge each other daily to thumb wars. Set up a scoreboard on the wall and, at the end of the tour, declare a champion.
95. Two more words ‘Travel Darts’ (see No. 4)
96. Six words ‘Travel Darts in a chicken suit’
97. Write love letters and send them to people picked at random from the phonebook or yellow pages.
98. Write alternative lyrics to all your songs.
99. Write me a list of ‘100 Fun Things to Do Whilst Stuck at Home Unemployed Waiting to Make it Big as an Actress’
100. Re-read this list and marvel at the dullness of our lives that we have even bothered to do this! Be scared.